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2003-06-23 - 4:06 p.m. Damn. I have two very hard tests this week and lots of work. I should *not* be updating now, should I? . . . . . Who cares? Oh well. I have a huge crush on a classmate: he�s cute, has a terrific sense of humor, is incredibly smart, oh so charming and has a delightful voice, that makes me twinge in the best possible way. I just talked to him in the phone and said all sorts of really dumb things, as if my teenaged self had come back in a bad sugar rush. I just wanted to keep him on the phone� tonight, we�ll meet for a study group and have dinner later. I *crave* this man. He also has a girlfriend and he�s moving in with her. They just came back from a whole week in Paris. I hate her. Well. OK� I don�t. But I�m so jealous, it burns. I *know* it�s wrong, but, really, if I thought I had a chance, I�d be all over him. It�s just that he�s very much in love with his girlfriend right now. No chance. See how moral I am? Since I have no chance� I�ll step aside. The truth is I have no sexual morals. Apart from the fact that I believe that all sex must be between consenting adults, I don�t much care about any other considerations. So cheating isn�t out of the question for me. I was very, very faithful when I was married, but that was for two reasons: a) I deeply loved and craved him and nobody else; b) It�s not so much that I believe in being faithful, but I am extremely loyal to those I love: I�d never ever consider hurting him and ours was a monogamous relationship. So no cigar. Also, the same loyalty prevents me from even looking twice to the guys that date my friends. But if I don�t know whom the girl is? I can�t say I care all that much. Besides, if she doesn�t find out, she won�t be hurt. Huh. Yes, I do realize some people are disgusted by this kind of attitude, but the whole point of the journal was honesty, right? The truth is that, if he wanted, I�d jump his bones faster than you can say supercalifrajalisticexpialidocious! What?! He�s hot, I�d take my time there� Besides, all this is moot: he doesn�t care. They are in the starting point of their relationship, they�ve been together for only three months and already planning to live together. Not a chance for me. Since I�d like to be his friend anyway, cause he�s fun and sweet and smart, I don�t plan on embarrassing him to the point we can no longer hang out, so no flirting. Just silent crushing into the night. As for my steady fuck buddy (tm mike), he�s still around. I guess. He called me on Wednesday night, said he wanted to see me but that he meant to travel for the holiday (Thursday and Friday). So he might�ve just come back today. He was supposed to have called on Sunday night, but didn�t, which was just as well, since I was all crampy and grouchy. But I called him today and he didn�t answer yet. God. What standards do we have left if not even our casual sex relationships are all simple and pure?
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