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2003-07-01 - 4:06 p.m.

I�m probably not seeing The Crush again, anytime soon, because our class together is over. However, the day we had the exam, we were talking and I discovered that he knows pretty well a friend of mine, Queen B.

No only he knows her; he used to work for her. He also still keeps in touch with O, her husband, for work. Apparently, he�s one of the many in her thrall and he absolutely adores her. Oh well� I did realize we had a lot in common.

Because I did adore her, many years ago. In some ways, I still do.

I met Queen B in my first year of law school. Bad year for me, that was. I was just emerging from the worst year in my life, when I had moved in with my mom and dad, after twelve horrible, sad years living with my biological father, evil stepmother, two brothers and one sister (my brother A being my only biological brother).

At my second year living with my mom, I was losing my sister, who so far had been the strongest woman figure in my life.

C, my �sister�� doesn�t play well with others when they are happy. Meaning she could deal with me very well while I was a miserable little girl pining for affection and attention; but not as a girl who was turning into a woman and had the guts to turn her back to all the awfulness in our house. She couldn�t deal that I was finding a way to live with my mother and her father (Yeah. My mother married her father, her mother married my father. I see the soap-operaness of it all, ok? I lived through it. Now wipe that smirk out of your faces).

She couldn�t deal with the fact that her father, notoriously detached emotionally was getting close to me, more and more. I was finding my place in that family and she resented it. At the time, I didn�t really understand what the deal was, since all was shifting: she could�ve found her *own* place there too. All I could see was that she, first, antagonized my mother (Bad mistake. Huge. My mom�s position in my father�s life is rock solid. Besides, Elektra complex much?).

Then, she tried to elbow me out of the picture. Not pretty either. We still don�t talk, to this day.

So I was hurting in all sorts of ways. Losing her was probably harder than losing my biological father.

Then I met Queen B. We became best friends. She is the prototype of the good girl: piano-playing, ballet-dancing, high culture-minded� you get the picture. She looks like a Botticelli drawing, with green eyes, curly light brown hair and pale, milky skin. She was there for me when I needed someone, desperately. Queen B was the one who helped me get over all the pain and became my first true friend.

We used to write long, long silly letters to each other during class. I would forget punctuation and sign �James Joyce�; she�d write back and sign �Virginia Woolf�, her then favorite author. I was welcomed into her family and also became really close to her younger sister (Queen B is three years older than I am and her sister Karo is about ten months younger, so we all got along incredibly well), we�d go to the movies, to the ballet, to concerts. We ate chocolate cake and giggled late at night�

She�s also incredibly funny and cool to hang with. In some ways, like my sister: always in the spotlight, not because she shoves her way in, but just because she is so adorable � and knows her audience so well. Since I didn�t seem to have any personal shine whatsoever, I was always attracted to friends who seemed like they did.

I told her everything there was to know about myself, back then. Then, I found out how much she held back from me.

It was random, really: one of her uncles was a good friend of one of my mother�s best friends, MC. One day, MC randomly mentioned that Queen B�s older sister came from her father�s previous marriage (his first wife died when B�s sister was a baby, he remarried to B�s mother). She had never told me that! I felt betrayed � I had told her stuff so much more private than that � but let it slide� Queen B was just a private person. She just figured it was her *sister�s* story, not her own. Not important. I didn�t want to embarrass her, so I didn�t tell her I knew.

But it was a big deal: I noticed that, while I was extremely open to her, she wasn�t as open to me. She had also a �slight� tendency (as in, �Sarah Michelle Gellar has a �slight� tendency to being a bitch�) to passive aggression.

At that point (this information will become important later), my life was becoming much less miserable than it was when we�d met. Hey, I could even walk holding my head up! Major improvement.

She then met O, who, of course, is perfect: gorgeous and incredibly smart. Their love story was perfect (still is, actually. They have two lovely daughters). So far, so good � I was extremely happy for her.

Then, I fooled around with one of O�s friends. Shortly after, I began dating another of O�s best friends. No big deal, right? I was nineteen, I had just met a bunch of smart and interesting guys, I was at last feeling a bit happier about myself� why not?

Well, because all hell broke loose (in a tasteful manner, of course), that�s why!

Nothing was ever really discussed. We never, ever talked about it. But things changed. I suddenly wasn�t part of the royal entourage anymore. I had fallen from grace. Grace would be taken back and received a lot, back then. It lasted for years, cause I just couldn�t give up on her. She would just be the same ol� Queen B. I loved, and then, suddenly, would sweetly lash out.

Funnily enough, none of the other people who loved me even *like* her: my parents think she�s self centered and unreliable, Ab Fab (who also went to college with her) thinks she�s annoying and my ex husband loathed her and O.

Why did my ex husband loath O? Oh, right: because when we started dating, in the height of our love, we went to a party and met Queen B and O there. O proceeded to make a funny and tasteful joke (not in an obvious manner, of course. That wouldn�t be� perfect) about how �easy� I was and how he�d better take it while he could.

For a long time, I�d follow this cycle: I�d be hurt because of something she�d say, I�d phase her out; some time later, we�d resume talking, I�d let my guard down� and she�d hurt me again. Lather, rinse, repeat, much to the chagrin of all those around. But she was Queen B. She�d been there for me when I needed a friend and I truly loved her.

Unfortunately, she�s the kind of friend who isn�t happy when I�m happy. She is, however, the best person to have around when I�m miserable: she�s incredibly supportive in the right way. She is also the best conversation ever, whenever we are both off guard, and as weird as it may seem, after all I wrote, she truly cares about me, deeply.

So I learned to play her strengths: we phased each other out, true, but nowadays we can hold a conversation that doesn�t end on me being hurt. We both mellowed, I guess. I�m actually proud of myself, that I managed to do that. I learned to let go to win.

Then it all came back, when The Crush mentioned he knows her. Why I am obsessing about someone that, for one, I can�t have, and besides, I wouldn�t be ready for even if he was available?

Right now, I really need to focus in my work, my studies, my personal life. I can�t manage being in love or even smitten. So I decided to let go. Because I truly want to win here.

 

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